


All the Reason I Need

by lanyrainicorn



Series: Secrets [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Fluff, Guilt, Mikasa's POV, POV First Person, Porn, Smut, jeankasa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 01:41:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6403501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanyrainicorn/pseuds/lanyrainicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The realization hits me hard and with an impact that knocks the wind from my lungs. I don’t need convincing. I have all the reason in the world to get out of bed, to be productive while Eren is away, to get up and train and eat and be with my friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Reason I Need

**Author's Note:**

> I changed the name of this. It was originally "All the Reason in the World" but I feel like the current title sounds better.
> 
> Enjoy!

The birds sound so pretty when they start up their songs outside the window, all sharp whistles and lilting melodies. Their secret avian language hangs in the air like dew from a leaf, and the intoxicating ballads almost make me want to get out of bed.

Almost.

The breeze that flows through the half-open window almost pushes the weight off my chest, tugs hard at the great vice constricting my heart, my lungs, my stomach, squeezing tight and churning like a violent game of ‘ring-around-the-rosie’.

Almost.

But not quite.

My heart hasn’t slowed its erratic thundering since they took him away. He’s out of my sight _again_ and that means I can’t help him. I can’t protect him. Why did fucking Levi make me stay behind? He knows I can be useful to him. He knows Eren needs me. What was he _thinking_?! I’ll have his fucking head if anything happens to Eren – that much I know.

“Mikasa? Do you want to come eat breakfast with me?” Sasha’s voice is cautious as her question cuts through my thoughts, and I know she knows I’m still awake, even though I haven’t so much as cracked my lids for the past several hours. Damn her flawless intuition. I stay silent despite her invitation, and I hear her sigh as she heads for the door, just like every other day. At least she’ll go away now and leave me alone to wallow.

Maybe I should feel bad for ignoring my friends. I know Sasha just wants to help, to get me to open up a little and make me feel better about the situation. I don’t blame her. I even appreciate it. But she can’t help me. There’s only one person – short of Levi allowing me to see Eren – that could make this any better. Maybe I’ll pay him a visit tonight.

-

It’s past nine o’clock before I even entertain the idea of _actually_ moving from bed. Sasha has come and gone more times than I can count, checking on me and prodding me to come to lunch, to come train with her, to come to dinner, to _just talk to me, Mikasa, maybe I can help._ Sorry, Sasha, no can do. You’re not the one I want to see. I hear her roll over in the bunk above me, give a tired sigh, then she’s back to snoring a moment later.

I silently thank the stars that my bed doesn’t squeak for once as I gently roll out of it, landing silently on my knees on the floor. I make my way to the door and I’m outside just as silently, easing it shut behind me.

It’s only a little breezy tonight, like it was this morning, but there’s a distinct chill in the air and it makes me shiver. It’s a nice change from the too-comfortable warmth of my blankets. I travel the path between the barracks leisurely, taking in the bite of the night air and the vague chirp of crickets in the distance. I look up at the sky, filled with a never-ending stream of stars, and my mind is filled with images of Marco. The thought makes my chest clench despite the fact that I didn’t think it could tighten any more than it already has with Eren’s departure. Imagining Marco’s sweet face, always happy and positive, stings my heart nonetheless, and it reminds me of the night a few weeks back when I sat on the rooftop, lost in memories of my childhood and holding hands with the tall blonde who’s become much more than a comrade to me. His cracked sobs ring in my ears and I have to forcibly shake my head to get the sound to stop. The moment he came to me, for the first time ever, shaking and whimpering about _that day_ and _Marco’s dead,_ was the exact moment I swore to myself that I would be there for him, no matter what. He comforts me, he tries to understand me. He’s special. That’s why I can come to him.

 _Knock, knock, knock._ I tap out our signal against the wood of the door, listening intently to the eager shuffling on the other side. It’s only a moment before the door creaks open – _fuck!_ he grouses at the squeak of the hinges – and I’m greeted by a sly smile that lights up his piercing hazel eyes.

“Hey,” I whisper, standing up on my tiptoes to ghost a kiss across Jean’s cheek. He’s gotten even taller in the last few months. His hair’s gotten longer too. It suits him.

“H-hi,” he stutters, clearly taken aback by my aberrant forwardness. I don’t know what it is, but he brings out something in me that’s so uncharacteristic; it makes me act strange around him, makes me want to open up, put all of myself out on the table for him to see. “I didn’t expect you tonight. You seemed pretty… down earlier.”

“I was. Still am. That’s _why_ I’m here.” He just looks at me and nods. “Levi’s taken Eren off to who knows where again. Probably to do some more transformation experiments. He wouldn’t let me come along. Wouldn’t even tell me anything. He knows how much that pisses me off. Thought I’d drop by… get my mind off things.”

“’Course,” is all he says. He’s biting his lip shyly, like he’s got something on his mind that he’s scared to admit.

“Something the matter?” I question, staring up at his handsome face and trying to keep mine as indifferent as possible, though that’s gotten harder in the past few months. He sighs, meets my eyes, and I can immediately feel the burden weighing heavy on his mind. He laces his fingers with mine, takes his time kissing each of my knuckles softly, almost mournfully. “Jean?”

“Mika,” he whispers, and though his tone sends a jolt of worry up my spine, I can’t help the ghost of a smile that I feel cross my lips at the way he shortens my name to the sweet moniker used only by him. He nervously continues, “I think we need to stop this. God, what would Eren think if he knew? We actually get along now, we’re _friends_ and—” I don’t know why, but I cringe when I hear Eren’s name leave his mouth. My chest seizes again and suddenly I’m very annoyed, pissed even, more so than I was before because how could he even suggest such a thing?

The words come out before I can even think about them. “I don’t _care_ if Eren knows,” I hiss. “If he knew it wouldn’t change anything anyway.” That’s a complete lie. I know it, Jean knows it. Eren would beat the shit out of Jean (if only out of his fierce protectiveness of his only family) if he knew what we did late at night after the lanterns are blown out and everyone’s tucked in their bunks. I can understand Jean’s guilt but it’s pointless. I love Eren, but I realized a long time ago that we’ll never be anything more than we are now. I may not be ready to accept it, but at least I can recognize it. Therefore I can push it down, suffocate it and stifle it with Jean.

Jean sighs and he looks like he’s about to say something else, so I run a lithe finger across his lower lip. “Shhh,” I croon as I slide to my knees. Before he can protest I smooth a hand up his thigh, palm at the faint outline of his cock in his sleep pants. He twitches at the attention and he’s hard in no time at all even though I’m barely brushing my hand against him. It drives me crazy to know that I can do this to him – give him the lightest touch, the softest kiss, sometimes even just a look – and watch him turn to putty in my hands.

I waste no time in yanking his pants down over his hips, watching his cock bounce as the garment falls to the ground and bunches around his ankles. I don’t have much experience in the way of male anatomy, but I can just tell that he has a great cock; it’s so pretty – pale and soft like the rest of his skin, a little flushed at the tip. It’s kind of slim, slender like the rest of his willowy body, but it’s so _long_ , and when he’s inside me it reaches deeper than I thought possible and _that_ drives me a little crazy, too.

I wrap a hand around the base and give a few gentle pumps, savoring the way he stutters out a sigh as his head lolls. His lids flutter open and I meet his eyes, giving him the best puppy dog look I can muster. I feel terrible for manipulating him, but it also gives me an indescribable sort of head rush that makes my mind whirl and sets my blood on fire. When he stares at me with that intense hazel gaze, even though I’m knelt in the dirt and probably staining my last good skirt, I feel like I’m on top of the world.

Continuing the slow pace I’m stroking, I flutter my eyelids and hope it bears some semblance to seduction, and it must because Jean sweeps his hand through my hair while his teeth fumble with his lower lip. He brushes his palm down the side of my face, over my cheek and onto my lips. Without instruction I part them and tease the tip of his thumb with my tongue. He takes the bait and slides it further into my mouth as I swirl my tongue in delicate circles around his finger.

“We both want this,” I whisper when he’s removed his thumb from my mouth. “We both want this, and I’m not going to let Eren stop it. He won’t find out, and if he does, we’ll just cross that bridge when we come to it. Don’t make me beg.” I _know_ Jean will argue with that, so before he can even open his mouth I wrap my lips around the head of his pretty cock and suck hard. He barely stifles a groan as he pulls his hands up to his mouth to bite hard at his knuckles. When he looks back down at me I glance up with as much innocent as possible while I coyly brush some of my hair behind one ear. I pick up the pace I’ve got with my other hand, keeping the strokes in time with the way I’m taking his cock in my mouth. The length is way too much to take it all, but I try, and I have to admit that I’ve done a nice job of training my gag reflex, because I barely feel it when his head hits the back of my throat.

I can tell he’s close when he drops both of his hands to run them through my hair again, tugging slightly when he reaches the ends. I hum a little noise of appreciation and he moves them back to grip closer to my scalp. I reach up, running my hands up his muscular stomach, back down to his sharp hips, then around to grab a nice couple handfuls of his perfect, toned ass. I give him a playful shove, let him know that he can take over.

And he does. He’s gentle at first, thrusting his hips little by little until he meets resistance, but he quickly picks up stride, yanking my locks more roughing as he plunges himself into the heat of my mouth again and again. I keep up with him, sucking and twirls my tongue around the head each time he fucks into my mouth. After another few moments his thrusts become uneven, shallow and I suck with more fervor when I feel the first drops splash. He comes hard over my tongue, past my teeth and down my throat, and I swallow expertly, educated by months of enthusiastic practice.

I stand back up and watch as he pulls his pants up and runs a hand through his sweaty hair.

Before he can ask to return the favor like he always does, I surge forward, wrapping my arms around his broad chest and burying my face in his shirt.

“Don’t ever tell me you want to stop this. There’s nothing wrong with what we do. There’s no reason to feel guilty. I don’t want to stop. I won’t. You can’t make me,” I mutter childishly into his shirt, sure that half of my statement is muffled by fabric and lost to his ears.

He reciprocates my hug, arms coming up to encircle my neck and caress my messy hair. I inhale and he smells so clean, like fresh water and soap and just like Jean, and the smell comforts me, makes me forget why I even came here in the first place, because right now there is nothing in the world but Jean and myself. The night always seems ends with us wrapped up in one another in some way, murmuring praises and petting each other. It never feels awkward or stiff or fake; it’s natural and wonderful and _right_. We just stand there and hold each other for a while, swaying a little now and then, the air around us quiet except for the occasional chirp of a nightingale.

I think back to this morning, how the pretty bird songs almost coaxed me out of bed, almost convinced me to get over the thing with Eren, give up my grudge with Captain Levi for the moment. The elegant trills and chirrups almost lured me to breakfast with my concerned friend, almost persuaded me to get up and make myself useful since I’d been lying in bed all week stewing and pissed and feeling sorry for myself.

Almost.

The realization hits me hard and with an impact that knocks the wind from my lungs. I don’t need convincing. I have all the reason I need to get out of bed, to be productive while Eren is away, to get up and train and eat and be with my friends.

I have all the reason I need, and he’s tall with ashen hair and striking hazel eyes.

I have all the reason I need, and he’s never given me any reason to doubt him, he’s always comforted me without a second thought, without a single question.

I have all the reason I need, and he’s standing here now, playing with my bangs and kissing my forehead and asking if I feel better now, reassuring me that he doesn’t want to stop, never wanted to stop, and won’t ever want to stop. Telling me he just felt guilty but if I’m okay, then he’s more than okay.

 

 

I have all the reason I need, and oh no… I think I love him.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a [tumblr](http://lanyrainicorn.tumblr.com), check it out if you'd like.  
> it's mostly gay anime boys if you're into that sorta thing ;)
> 
> as always, critiques are welcome and thanks for reading!


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